but you’re our mad man in a box
1.You always have a hair tie on your wrist. (And one in your purse for when the one on your wrist inevitably breaks.)
2.“No, you can’t borrow my hair tie. The slightest change in humidity or a strong gust of wind could easily render my hair completely incapable of looking like it belongs on a human.”
3.You went through a bang phase. It did not go well.
4.Any haircut shorter than shoulder length is usually not very flattering–but that didn’t stop you from trying to go short at least once.
5.Most of your trust issues stem from when your hairdresser left you to move to another city. You contemplated following her.
6.You really relate to Anne Hathaway in “The Princess Diaries” BEFORE her makeover.
7.Argan oil quite literally changed your life, and now you go through bottles like boyfriends.
8.You don’t own a brush. You only have a comb, which you only use on your hair in the shower during the conditioning process.
9.Before deciding to straighten your hair, you check the weather for the next three days. If there’s any chance of rain or humidity, you completely abandon the idea.
10.“Your hair looks SO good straight! You should straighten it more often.” This is one of the worst backhanded compliments you could ever give us. Does that mean you think it looks shitty curly?
11.“Your hair is so poufy!” Another backhanded compliment. Ugh, go away.
12.You secretly hate Taylor Swift because she traded in her long, curly blonde locks for a short, straight pixie style. Traitor.
13.You’ve gotten out of bed early while having a man over to apply curl cream, because bedhead is real and it’s scary to wake up next to that.
14.If anyone knew how often you really wash your hair, they would be seriously grossed out. YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!
15.You need a minimum of six products in your hair at all times. Four of them cost more than your rent and one of them is illegal in nine states.
16.You often show up to places with wet hair. What are we supposed to do, wait six to eight hours for it to dry before leaving the house? Let me live my life.
17.You could never commit a crime because you shed a trail of hair everywhere you go. Even Detective Tutuola on “Law and Order: SVU” would be able to figure that one out all by himself.
18.“Can I pull one of your curls?” No. Just all sorts of no. If you try, I will ninja-swipe your hand so quickly, your head will spin. You can’t touch it, you can’t braid it, and you can’t even get too close to it. Curls are like a soufflé: one wrong move, and it will all go to shit.
19.“Did you know you have something in your hair?” The answer is always no. There could be a family of birds building a life in there and I wouldn’t know unless you pointed it out. If you don’t lend me a hand in excavating the piece of food or small creature from this labyrinth, I’ll sit there picking at my hair for eternity.
20.You find a bobby pin in your hair six days and two showers after you last remember wearing bobby pins in your hair.
21.Whenever other girls say something like, “I wish I had your hair,” you smile and say thank you–but deep down, you know they would go crazy if they had to deal with the kind of upkeep and maintenance this hair requires.
22.You do the same thing to your hair every day, but it never looks the same twice. Each day is a gamble, and some days you lose big time.
23.“Is that your natural hair?” No, I pin curl my hair and then go into a steam room every single day to achieve this ‘wet poodle’ look. It’s exhausting.
24.The idea of a man running his fingers through your hair is not sexy. It’s terrifying. Think of the frizz!
25.You buy regular-sized shampoo bottles and jumbo-sized conditioner, because that’s the only way you’ll ever run out of the two at the same time.
26.Your maintenance man hates you because you’ve called him twice this month to unclog the hair from your shower drain. Sorry, Joe.
27.You feel like an idiot for using mousse that dried out your hair for all those years. Curl cream changed the game completely.
28.A little rain is like a kiss from the hair fairies that adds bounce while dampening the frizz. On the other hand, humidity without rain is the devil.
29.Bobby pins don’t work on the baby hairs around the frame of your face. You’re stuck with this frizz for life.
30.Guys always compliment you on how good your hair smells.
31.By the end of a hot, summer day, the hair around the nape of your neck has formed a rat’s nest that can only be untangled in the shower with a quarter cup of conditioner and a small offering to the hair gods.
32.A halo of frizz is around your head in every single picture you take.
33.Once you have your hair up in a ponytail, there’s no going back.
34.People are always picking stray hairs off your clothes. Please stop doing this. If you pick one, five more will come to replace it.
35.“Your hair makes me really want curly fries.” This is not a joke. A guy actually said this to me.
36.Updos actually are a joke.
37.You’ve spent a small fortune on hair products, but sometimes the best thing for your hair is a little bit of water.
38.Your hairstyle can never really change that much.
39.Straightening your hair requires at least an hour of time, and even when it’s straight, people still compliment you on your “wavy” hair. Well, at least it’s a step in the right direction.
40.Even with straight hair, you can never rock a “sleek” ponytail. Your hair just looks like an actual pony’s tail.
41.For some reason, guys love driving with the windows down. Unless you want me to show up to dinner looking like a failed science experiment, I’m going to need you to roll up the damn windows.
42.New hairdresser: “Where’s your natural part?”
43.“Travel-sized conditioner” LOL. You mean “one-time use conditioner”?